Bunch of Mullah Nasiruddin stories appropriated from somewhere without credit.  Some of these stories probably predate Islam, some probably predate Buddhism, some may predate language.

STATE OF THE ONION
    Another day in the teahouse, Mullah Nasiruddin whiling away the afternoon with the guys.  Smoke from hubble-bubble.  Young boy serves little cakes.  Not a female to be seen or heard.
    "O, Mullah, why is it people laugh at you?"
    "Well," said Nasiruddin, "think of me as a turban.  It is the nature of laughter to expose the false. If people laughed at themselves they would feel naked. Therefore I provide them with a 'head covering.'"
    "But Mullah, they are still naked!"
    "Shhhhh," said Nasiruddin, smiling.
In Mullah Nasiruddin's home town they did some construction work, the financing of which, and the way the contract was awarded not being the subjects of this story. When the work was done there was a big pile of dirt left over. Inexplicably, it was not removed, and the builders turned out to be out-of-towners who could not be located. Discussions undertaken by the neighborhood association, the permit agencies, and eventually the city council produced no result. The dirt pile remained.
During the normal drought that summer the dirt blew all over the place. People complained.
Eventually Mullah decided to take matters into his own hands. Early one morning he showed up at the dirt pile with a shovel and started digging a hole next to it. Operating with his usual trance-like intensity, he soon had a pretty darn big hole. And, not too many days later, his hole was deeper than the pile of dirt next to it.
Mullah next attacked the pile, enthusiastically shovelling the dirt into the adjacent hole. How a person of that certain age accomplished this without wrecking the back I do not understand.
But a certain child, idly observing the show, asked one of those setup questions that are constant elements of these stories, to wit:
"Mullah, what are you going to do with the pile of dirt that you dug out of the hole after you fill up the hole with the old pile of dirt?"
"Do I have to think of everything?", shouted Nasruddin.
 
 

Mullah Nasiruddin borrowed a neighbor's donkey and failed to return it.  Eventually the neighbor came over to inquire and, if necessary, to complain.  Mullah responded with a Farsi phrase that translates as "Huh?  What donkey?"  The neighbor described at length the previous transaction.  Mullah continued to exhibit a positive and cheerful failure to recall.  Near the end of the story came a distinctive noise from the back yard, sounding very much like the bray of a donkey.  "That's my donkey," quoth the neighbor.  "You've had it all along."  "Who ya gonna believe," responded Mullah, "Me or the donkey?"

Later, in another story, Mullah was spied astride "his" donkey dashing through town at an unseemly rate of speed.  "Why are you going so dangerously fast, Mullah?"  "Don't ask me, ask the donkey."

That very same donkey ran into the square in the center of town and stopped short.  Mullah fell off.  The young good for nothings hanging around pointed and laughed.  "Why are you laughing?  I intended to fall off!  This was foreseen and planned for.  It is plain to see that I am making progress.  Just think about it.  I used to be there.  Now I am here."  That shut them up!

Mullah proceeded to the tea house in the corner of the town square and sat at his accustomed table, where he was served his accustomed cup of tea.  One of the ne'er-do-wells ran up behind him and knocked off his turban.

What happened next is another story.
In the middle of the night, Mullah Nasrudin wakes up terribly thirsty.
It’s cold and dark outside, and it’s a bit of a walk to the well, so the Mullah hastily winds a turban around his head for warmth, and finds a lamp to carry with him. The lamp is empty, and while he’s trying to fill it in the dark, he spills some lamp oil, which he sleepily wipes up with the trailing end of his poorly-wrapped turban.
The Mullah has some trouble getting the lamp lit, and leans in close to see the wick better. The oil-soaked end of his turban catches fire. The Mullah, after racing around the room screaming for a while, has the presence of mind to run into the backyard, fling the turban to the ground, and stamp on it.
The Mullah’s wife, awakened by the commotion, comes out and sees the Mullah jumping up and down on his turban. "Nasrudin!" she cries, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Getting a drink of water," says the Mullah.

The Mullah's wife sent him to buy some bread. When the Mullah arrived at the bread shop he saw a long line waiting to buy bread. He thought he would do something to get in front of the line. He shouted, "People, don't you know the Sultan's daughter is getting married tonight and he is giving away free bread?" The multitude ran toward the palace as the Sultan was generous to a fault and loved his daughter more than anyone. The Mullah was now in front of the line and was about to buy his bread when he thought to himself, "Mullah, you are truly a fool. All the citizen's are getting free bread tonight and I am about to pay for it. So he ran to the palace and when he got there was thoroughly beaten by the disappointed people.
 

precience

MULLAH NASIRUDDIN ON TAX CUTS:
    Nasiruddin used to stand in the street on market-days, to be pointed out as an idiot (ed. note: an ancient spiritual practice designed to build humility). No matter how often people offered him a large and a small coin, he always chose the smaller piece.
    One day a kindly man said to him: "Nasiruddin, you should take the bigger coin. Then you will have more money and people will no longer be able to make a laughing stock of you."
    "That may be true," said Nasiruddin, "but if I always take the larger, people will stop offering me money to prove that I am more idiotic than they are. Then I would have no money at all."
    As Nasiruddin emerged form the mosque after prayers, a beggar sitting on the street solicited him for alms. The following conversation followed:
    "Are you extravagant?" asked Nasiruddin.
    "Yes Nasiruddin," replied the beggar.
    "Do you like sitting around drinking coffee and smoking?" asked Nasiruddin.
    "Yes," replied the beggar.
    "I suppose you like to go to the baths everyday?," asked Nasiruddin.
    "Yes," replied the beggar.
    "...And maybe amuse yourself, even, by drinking with friends?" asked Nasiruddin.
    "Yes I like all those things," replied the beggar.
    "Tut, tut," said Nasiruddin, and gave him a gold piece.
    A few yards farther on, another beggar who had overheard the conversation begged for alms also.
    "Are you extravagant?" asked Nasiruddin.
    "No, Agha Nasiruddin," replied second beggar.
    "Do you like sitting around drinking coffee and smoking?" asked Nasiruddin.
    "No," replied second beggar.
    "I suppose you like to go to the baths everyday?" asked Nasiruddin.
    "No," replied second beggar.
    "...And maybe amuse yourself, even, by drinking with friends?" asked Nasiruddin.
    "No, I want to only live meagerly and to pray," replied second beggar.
    Whereupon Nasiruddin gave him a small copper coin.
    "But why," wailed second beggar, "do you give me, an economical and pious man, a penny, when you give that extravagant fellow an eagle?"
    "Ah my friend," replied Nasiruddin, "his needs are greater than yours."

DEDUCTIVE REASONING

    The venerable and wise Mullah Nasiruddin was asked by an acolyte, over tea, "And how old are you, dear Mullah?
    "Another question I can answer," replied the humble mullah.  "I am three years older than my brother."
    The callow interlocutor, foolishly: "But I spoke with your brother last year and he told me, I remember it well, that you, his
older brother, were two years older than he."
    "Well of course," the mullah patiently explained.  "That was last year.  Now I am one year older.  And my rate of aging is
increasing.  Two years ago I was one year older.  Next year I will be four years older.  Soon I shall be older than my
grandfather, and his as well."

TIT FOR TAT

NASRUDDIN WENT INTO A SHOP TO BUY A PAIR OF TROUSERS.  THEN HE CHANGED HIS MIND AND CHOSE A CLOAK INSTEAD, AT THE SAME PRICE.  PICKING UP THE CLOAK HE LEFT THE SHOP.  "YOU HAVE NOT PAID," SHOUTED THE MERCHANT. "I LEFT YOU THE TROUSERS, WHICH WERE OF THE SAME VALUE AS THE CLOAK."  "BUT YOU DID NOT PAY FOR THE TROUSERS EITHER.OF COURSE NOT,SAID MULLAH ;WHY SHOULD I PAY FOR SOMETHING THAT I DID NOT WANT TO BUY?"

MORE USEFUL

ONE DAY MULLAH NASRUDDIN ENTERED HIS FAVORITE TEAHOUSE AND SAID:'THE MOON IS MORE USEFUL THAN THE SUN'.  AN OLD MAN ASKED 'WHY MULLA?'  NASRUDDIN REPLIED 'WE NEED THE LIGHT MORE DURING THE NIGHT THAN DURING THE DAY.'

PROMISES KEPT

A FRIEND ASKED THE MULLA HOW OLD ARE YOU?  FORTY REPLIED THE MULLAH.  THE FRIEND SAID BUT YOU SAID THE SAMETHING TWO YEARS AGO ! YES REPLIED THE MULLAH, I ALWAYS STAND BY WHAT I HAVE SAID.

WHEN YOU FACE THINGS ALONE

YOU MAY HAVE LOST YOUR DONKEY, NASRUDDIN, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO GRIEVE OVER IT MORE THAN YOU DID ABOUT THE LOSS OF YOUR FIRST WIFE. AH, BUT IF YOU REMEMBER, WHEN I LOST MY WIFE, ALL YOU VILLAGERS SAID: WE'LL FIND YOU SOMEONE ELSE. SO FAR, NOBODY HAS OFFERED TO REPLACE MY DONKEY."

OBLIGATION

NASRUDDIN NEARLY FELL INTO A POOL ONE DAY.  A MAN WHOM HE KNEW SLIGHTLY WAS NEARBY, AND SAVED HIM.  EVERY TIME HE MET NASRUDDIN AFTER THAT HE WOULD REMIND HIM OF THE SERVICE WHICH HE HAD PERFORMED.  WHEN THIS HAD HAPPENED SEVERAL TIMES NASRUDDIN TOOK HIM TO THE WATER, JUMPED IN, STOOD WITH HIS HEAD JUST ABOVE WATER AND SHOUTED: "NOW I AM AS WET AS I WOULD HAVE BEEN IF YOU HAD NOT SAVED ME! LEAVE ME ALONE.

Mullah Nasruddin and His Beautiful Daughter

Mullah Nasruddin had a beautiful daughter, the desire of all the evil eyes of the men lived in his village. Everyone sought the hand of the fair maiden, but Mullah Nasruddin protected her from the ouside world, saving her for the wealthy young khan who lived just outside the village.

At last the young Khan came to ask for the hand of the beautiful maiden. Mullah Nasruddin drove a hard bargain and was to receive the highest bride-price ever bargained for in the entir region. With the usual Muslim regard for ceremony, Mullah Nasruddin insisted on a long waiting-period before the wedding vows could be taken.

It seems that the young and beautiful daughter of Mullah Nasrudin had a mind and a body of her own. She fell in love with a young stalwart ne'er-do-well in the village, who constantly showered her with attention as she went to the nearby well to gather water in the morning and at dusk. Her trips to get water began to take longer periods of time. Most people in the village know what was happening, but no one dared tell Mullah Nasruddin.

The time for the wedding approached and the young, wealthy Khan came to collect his bride. Mullah Nasruddin brought her to greet her betrothod. Lo and behold! She was well pregnant by this time. The young, rich Khan was horrified, and turned on the Mullah Nasrudding, demanding to know why such a thing had occurred. And when Mullah Nasruddin merely replied that such things are normal when people get married, the young, rich Khan stormed out of Mullah Nasruddin's compound, and said that he withdrew his offer of marriage to the young beautiful daughter of Mullah Nasruddin and therefore would expect a return on the down payment on the bride price.

Mullah Nasrudding, genuinely shocked, called after the young, rich Khan and the young Khan retured. "let us be sensiable about this," pleaded Mullah Nasruddin. "Actually, I should double the bride price now that my daughter is truly pregnant and can give you a son."

The young Khan, even more horrified, stuttered and asked, "In the name of Allah, why?" Mullah Masruddin calmly replied, "Why just last week I delivered a cow to a man to whom I had sold the cow several months before. In the interim period, the cow becammepregnant, and when I delivered the cow, I demanded and received twice the original amount. Now what is so different between a cow and a daughter?"
 

STRAW HORSES / PAPER TIGERS
Nasruddin was throwing handfuls of bread all around his house.
"What are you doing?" someone asked.
"Keeping the tigers away."
"But there are no tigers around here"
"Exactly. Effective, isn't it?"

At a gathering where Mullah Nasruddin was present, people were discussing the merits of youth and old age. They had all agreed that, a man's strength decreases as years go by. Mullah Nasruddin dissented.
- I don't agree with you gentlemen, he said. In my old age I have the same strength as I had in the prime of my youth.
- How do you mean, Mullah Nasruddin? asked somebody. Explain yourself.
- In my courtyard, explained Mullah Nasruddin, there is a massive stone. In my youth I used to try and lift it. I never succeeded. Neither can I lift it now

"I shall have you hanged", said a cruel and ignorant king to Nasruddin, "if you do not prove such deep perceptions such as have been attributed to you." Nasruddin at once said that he could see a golden bird in the sky and demons within the earth. "But how can you do this?" the King asked. "Fear," said the Mullah "is all you need."

The man said to Mullah Nasruddin on the street who had asked him for a handout: "You would stand more chance of getting a job if you would shave and clean yourself up." "Yes, sir", the Mullah said. "I found that out years ago."

    Nasiruddin had saved a lot of money. Someone asked him to go to a fashion show. Afterwards he was
asked how he liked it.
    "It's a complete swindle!"
    "Why?"
    "They show you the women -- and then try to sell you the clothes!"
                                               &
                                   THE MULLAH PRINCIPLE
    Nasiruddin was being interviewed for employment in a department store.  The personnel manager
said:  "We like ambitious men here. What sort of a job are you after?"
    "How about yours?" asked the venerable mullah.
    "Are you mad?" remonstrated his interviewer.
    "I may well be," said the Mulla, "but is that a necessary qualification?"
 

"When I was in the desert," said Nasruddin one day, "I caused an entire tribe of horrible and bloodthirsty bedouins to run." "However did you do it?" "Easy. I just ran, and they ran after me."

A certain conqueror said to Nasruddin: "Mulla, all the great rulers of the past had honorific titles with the name of God in them: there was, for instance, God-Gifted, and God-Accepted, and so on. How about some such name for me?" "God Forbid," said Nasruddin.
 

Walking one evening along a deserted road, Nasruddin saw a troop of horsemen rapidly approaching. His imagination started to work; he saw himself captured or robbed or killed and frightened by this thought he bolted, climbed a wall into a graveyard, and lay down in an open grave to hide. Puzzled at his bizzare behaviour, the horsemen - honest travellers - followed him. They found him stretched out, tense, and shaking. "What are you doing in that grave? We saw you run away. Can we help you? Why are you here in this place?" "Just because you can ask a question does not mean that there is a straightforward answer to it," said Nasruddin, who now realized what had happened. "It all depends upon your viewpoint. If you must know, however, I am here because of you - and you are here because of me!"

A certain man claimed to be God and was brought before the Caliph, who said to him, "Last year someone here claimed to be a prophet and he was put to death!" The man replied, "It was well that you did so, for I did not send him." (9th century joke)

A certain man claimed to be a prophet and was brought before the Sultan, who said to him, "I bear witness that you are a stupid prophet!" The man replied, "That is why I have only been sent to people like you." (9th century joke)

Someone said to Ashab, "If you were to relate traditions and stop telling jokes, you would be doing a noble thing." "By God!" answered Ashab, "I have heard traditions and related them." "Then tell us", said the man. "I heard from Nafai," said Ashab, "on the authority of such-and-such, that the Prophet, may God bless him, said, "There are two qualities, such that whoever has them is among God's elect." "That is a fine tradition", said the man. "What are these two qualities?" "Nafai forgot one and I have forgotten the other," replied Ashab. (a 9th century joke)

One day an illiterate man came to Mullah Nasruddin with a letter he had received. "Mullah Nasruddin, please read this letter to me." Mullah Nasruddin looked at the letter, but could not make out a single word. So he told the man. "I am sorry, but I cannot read this." The man cried: "For shame, Mullah Nasruddin ! You must be ashamed before the turban you wear (i.e. the sign of education)" Mullah Nasruddin removed the turban from his own head and placed it on the head of the illiterate man, said: "There, now you wear the turban. If it gives some knowledge, read the letter yourself."

Mullah Nasruddin had visited a town for some personal business. It was a frigid winter night when he arrived. On the way to the inn a vicious looking dog barked at him. Mullah Nasruddin bent down to pick up a stone from the street to throw at the animal. He could not lift it, for the stone was frozen to the earth. "What a strange town this is! Mullah Nasruddin said to himself. They tie up the stones and let the dogs go free."
 
 

One day people founded Mullah Nasruddin pouring the remains of his yogurt into the lake. "Mullah Nasruddin , what are you doing?" A man asked. "I am turning the lake into yogurt," Mullah Nasruddin replied. "Can a little bit of yeast ferment the great river?" The man asked while others laughed at Mullah Nasruddin . "You never know perhaps it might," Mullah Nasruddin replied, "but what if it should!"

Nasrudin heard that the king sent out a committee incognito, seeking suitable candidates for qadis (judges). Nasrudin took to walking around carrying an old fishing net on his shoulder. When the members of the committee reached his village, it drew their attention and they questioned him about it.
"Oh, I carry this net with me to remind me of my humble past as a poor fisherman," explained Nasrudin. The committee was impressed, and in due time Nasrudin was nominated as a qadi.
Shortly afterwards those king's representatives met Nasrudin again and noticed the net was gone.
"Where is the net, Nasrudin?" they asked.
"Well, you don't need the net after the fish is caught, do you?" replied Nasrudin.

Nasrudin the diver worked 200 feet under the surface, when suddenly a venerable yogi floated into his range of vision, without any breathing apparatus. "Oh master! What are you doing at such a depth?" wrote the surprised Nasrudin on his writing-slate. The guru snatched the slate and china-pencil, and wrote furiously: "Drowning, you idiot!"

One day, a poor man, who had only one piece of bread to eat, was walking past a restaurant. There was a large pot of soup on the table. The poor man held his bread over the soup, so the steam from the soup went into the bread, and gave it a good smell. Then he ate the bread.

The restaurant owner was very angry at this, and he asked the man for money, in exchange for the steam from the soup. The poor man had no money, so the restaurant owner took him to Nasreddin, who was a judge at that time. Nasreddin thought about the case for a little while.

Then he took some money from his pocket. He held the coins next to the restaurant owner's ear, and shook them, so that they made a jingling noise.

"What was that?" asked the restaurant owner.

"That was payment for you," answered Nasreddin.

"What do you mean? That was just the sound of coins!" protested the restaurant owner.

"The sound of the coins is payment for the smell of the soup," answered Nasreddin. "Now go back to your restaurant."
 

Nasruddin is a magistrate who in his first case agrees with both the plaintiff and the defendant. When the court clerk objects that both cannot be right, Nasruddin says: ''I believe you are right.''
 

Mulla Nasruddin used to carry a door with him wherever he went. When somebody asked him about it, he replied: ''It is just a security measure. Nobody can enter my house except through the door. So I carry the door.''

After his death, his disciples followed his last wish and put the door and its key beside his grave.somebody asked him about it, he replied: ''It is just a security measure. Nobody can enter my house except through the door. So I carry the door.''
 

One day Nasruddin saw a man sitting in a pall of gloom. When asked for the reason behind his sorrow, the man replied that his life had become so miserable that he had collected all his money and was wandering around seeking happiness. All of a sudden, Nasruddin picked up the man's purse and dodging him disappeared from his sight. After some time Nasruddin placed the bag at a place where the frantic man could see it and then hid himself behind a tree. When the man found his purse he forgot his grief and began dancing with joy. Mulla murmured: ''Isn't there another way to bring happiness to a sad man?''
 

Mulla Nasruddin used to carry a door with him wherever he went. When somebody asked him about it, he replied: ''It is just a security measure. Nobody can enter my house except through the door. So I carry the door.''

After his death, his disciples followed his last wish and put the door and its key beside his grave.
 

"May the Will of Allah be done," a pious man was saying about something or the other. "It always is, in any case," said Mullah Nasruddin. "How can you prove that, Mullah?" asked the man. "Quite simply. If it wasn't always being done, then surely at some time or another my will would be done, wouldn't it?"
 

A man was walking along the street when he passed another man with a lot of stubble on his face standing outside a shop. The first man asked: "How often do you shave? Twenty or thirty times a day," answered the man with the stubble. "What! You must be a freak!" exclaimed the first man. "No, I'm only a barber," replied the man with the stubble.
 

NASRUDDIN MEETS DEATH Nasruddin was strolling to market one day when he saw a strange, dark shape appear, blocking his path. "I am Death," it said, "I have come for you." "Death?" said Nasruddin. "But I'm not even particularly old! And I have so much to do. Are you sure you aren't mistaking me for someone else?" "I only kill people who are not yet ready to die," said Death. "I think you're wrong," replied the Hoja. "Let's make a bet." "A bet? Perhaps. But what shall the stakes be?" "My life against a hundred pieces of silver." "Done," said Death, a bag of silver instantly appearing in his hand. "What a stupid bet you made. After all, what's to stop me from just killing you now, and thus winning automatically?" "Because I knew you were going to kill me," said Nasruddin, "that's why I made the bet." "Hmmm . . ." mused Death. "I see. But . . . but, didn't you also know, then, that I would not be able to kill you, because of the terms of our agreement?" "Not at all," said Nasruddin, and continued down the road, clutching the bag of money.

Saifu An angry man came in to a cafe and yelled:" IS SAIFU HERE?". No body answered so he yelled again: IS SAIFU HERE OR NOT? Finally a guy got up, "YAH, I AM SAIFU" he said, the angry man came closer and punched the guy, knocked him down on the floor and then left the cafe. The guy got up, cleaned his nose from blood and while every one was expecting a reaction from him, returned to his table without saying anything. Some one came and asked the guy: "How can you just sit here and do nothing? that man knocked you down and you are not even cursing him." "You wouldn't say that if you knew what I have done to him" said the man with a smirk. "What? How?" asked the other man with curious excitement. "I am not SAIFU" said the guy proudly.
 

One day Nasruddin was taking a walk in his village, when several of his neighbors approached him. "Nasruddin Hoja!" they said to him, "you are so wise and holy! Please take us as your pupils to teach us how we should live our lives, and what we should do!" Nasruddin paused, then said "Alright; I will teach you the first lesson right now. The most important thing is to take very good care of your feet and sandals; you must keep them clean and neat at all times." The neighbors listened attentively until they glanced down at his feet, which were in fact quite dirty and shod in old sandals that seemed about to fall apart. "But Nasruddin Hoja," said one of them, "your feet are terribly dirty, and your sandals are a mess! How do you expect us to follow your teachings if you don't carry them out yourself?" "Well," replied Nasruddin, "I don't go around asking people how I should live my life either, do I?"

How come you never got married, Nasruddin?? asked his friend at one point. ?Well,? said Nasruddin, ?to tell you the truth, I spent my youth looking for the perfect woman. In Cairo, I met a beautiful and intelligent woman, with eyes like dark olives, but she was unkind. Then in Baghdad, I met a woman who was a wonderful and generous soul, but we had no interests in common. One woman after another would seem just right, but there would aways be something missing. Then one day, I met her. She was beautiful, intelligent, generous and kind. We had everything in common. In fact she was perfect.? ?Well,? said Nasruddin?s friend, ?what happened? Why didn?t you marry her? Nasruddin sipped his tea reflectively. ?Well,? he replied, ?it?s a sad thing. Seems she was looking for the perfect man.? Once upon a time, Nasruddin went to the marketplace and put up a sign that read: "Whoever has stolen my donkey, please return it to me and I will give it to them." "Nasruddin!", exclaimed the townspeople, "Why would you put up such a sign?" "There are two great gifts in life," replied Nasruddin. "One is to find something that you've lost and the other is to give something that you love away."

Many years ago, the Mulla was traveling on the Silk Road to China when he met George, a traveler from the land of the Franks. They soon became friends and decided to travel together, each pledging to help the other on the long and difficult journey ahead.

Several days later, after traveling through a dreary stretch of arid country, they came to a small town. Since they were both hungry and thirsty, they found their way to the only inn in town. But they had little money left. So they decided to share a bowl of milk. It would quench their thirst and provide some nourishment.

George said to the Mulla, 'You drink your half first. I have one lump of sugar, and it is only enough to sweeten my half.' The Mulla insisted that they share the sugar too. However, when he saw that George was not in a mood to relent, the Mulla went into the kitchen and returned with a large lump of salt, and told George that he just remembered that he preferred to drink his milk with salt.

Before the Mulla could add the lump of salt to the glass of milk, George had a change of heart. Smiling, he offered his lump of sugar to the Mulla. One by one, they quenched their thirst with sweetened milk.
 

Nasrudin went into a bank with a cheque to cash.
“Can you identify yourself?” asked the clerk.
Nasrudin took out a mirror and peered into it.
“Yes, that’s me all right.” he said.

Pain” Nasrudin told a respected doctor, “is something one can get used to and live with, without too much trouble.” The satisfied physician nodded gladly in agreement.
“There is, however, one exception” continued Nasrudin.
“Oh? and what is that?” asked the doctor.
“When it hurts YOU” replied nasrudin.

A man came up to Nasrudin and said:
“Nasrudin, I was looking for you to tell you something, and now I forgot what it was I wanted to tell you…”
“Never mind” said Nasrudin, “you can tell me something else…”

Mulla Nasrudin found a mirror. When he closely examined the object he saw his own face, threw it away as far as he could and shouted: “No wonder, this thing’s been thrown away: who would keep something as ugly as that!”
 

Our hero was seen running through the streets of the town - right in the middle of the night. And he was shouting!
“Thieves. Help. Thieves are in my house!”
When he had calmed down the people started asking:
“Did you actually see the thieves?”
“No”
“And how come you know, there are thieves in your home?”
“Well, I am not as silly as you are, you dorks! I wake up and find myself thinking about a dream, when all of a sudden I realize, that thieves are quite capable of entering a house and moving around without making any noise at all. As I can not hear the slightest sound, I conclude precisely: there must be a thieve in my house!”
 
 

Mulla Nasrudin sends his son to get the milk. Just before the boy is on his way, he says to him:

“Take care and don’t spell the milk!” And he closes the sentence with a hard slap in the boy’s face.

“Are you out of your mind?” his wife shouts, “He hasn’t done anything at all and he did not spill the milk!”

Very gently, our hero replies:

“Woman! As usual you do not understand a thing. What good would it do to slap the boy after the milk is spilled???”
 
 

Once upon a time, Mulla Nasrudin was elected to the post of town judge.

Taking his seat in his chambers one day at the start of a trial, Nasrudin faced the opposing lawyers. “So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.” Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, Ahmed, gave me $15,000. And you, Wali, gave me $10,000.”

Mulla Nasrudin reached into his pocket and pulled out a cheque. He handed it to Ahmed …

“Now then, I’m returning $5,000 and, in all fairness, we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.”
 
 

One day a group of seekers are sitting and drinking tea. One of them, because he thought he knew everything, states, “My master taught me that until the man who has not been wronged is as indignant about a wrong as the man who has actually been wronged, mankind will not be fulfilled.”

For a moment an impressive silence, and then the Mulla speaks, “My master taught me that nobody should become indignant about anything until he is sure that what he thinks is a wrong is in fact a wrong – and not a blessing in disguise!”
 

Nasrudin offered to guide a group of ten blind men across a rushing stream, for a penny each. As they crossed one slipped and was carried away by the swift current. Sensing that something is wrong, the blind asked, concerned, what happened. “Nothing” said Nasrudin, “a penny less to pay…”
 

One evening, Nasrudin Hodja’s wife saw her husband walking up and down the verandah in great agitation.
“What’s the matter?” she asked him.
“I borrowed a hundred dinars from our neighbour last month and I promised to return the money on the last day of this month,” explained Hodja. “Tomorrow is the last day and I don’t have the money. I don’t know what to do.”
“What is there to do!” said his wife. “Go and tell him you can’t pay!”
Hodja took his wife’s advice. When he returned from his neighbour’s house he looked relaxed and happy.
“How did he take it?” asked his wife.
“Ah, well,” said Hodja. “Now he is walking up and down his verandah.
 

Brothers and sisters,” he began, “believers in God and His Prophets, the Almighty has endowed us with a mind and the ability to choose and today’s sermon will address precisely this issue. As you all know, our community has fallen on hard times, the poor are getting poorer every day and need a helping hand more than ever before just to get on with their daily lives.

Why, even this very mosque where you come for your daily prayers has become so dilapidated that it urgently needs repairs, repairs for which we have not the financial means. Consequently, we, the community of believers, are in dire need of the charity of those among us whom God has graced with His favors and endowed with wealth as a test of their faith… and everything in life is a test! Consequently, before I begin, I will you give you the choice, before me I have three sermons prepared, one which will last five minutes and is worth $100, the other which will last 15 minutes and is worth $50, and finally one which will last over an hour and is worth $10. So now, I will ask my assistants to pass this box around where you can place your much-needed donations and we will determine exactly which sermon is most suited for your needs and would therefore like me to deliver!”
 

I do not know what the Truth is,“ began a dervish after listening to one of Nasrudins infrequent lectures „but that was not it!“ Nasrudin began to tear his clothes and shouted, „Such expertise! Knowing what one does not know. If only I could know what I do not know.“
 

When the sultan was visiting Nasrudin‘s town, he decided to put on a show for the locals for their entertainment and to foster his popularity. During the great festivities, the Sultan summoned his best swordsmen before the crowd. The first approached the stage with a tiny little box, out of which a bee flew out, then, with a single blow of his sword, the bee was sliced in two. The crowd cheered in amazement! The second now walked onto the stage, with another small box, out of which a wasp flew out, then, with two swift blows of his sword, the wasp was chopped into three pieces. The crowd cheered in awe. The third swordsman, eager to meet the challenge, now pranced onto the stage, carrying a small little box out of which he let out a fly, then with three determined blows, he sliced the fly into four pieces. The crowd was going wild. Not to be outdone, Nasrudin immediately rose to the occasion, he shuffled onto the stage amid the cheers of the crowd, with a makeshift little box in one hand and his sword in the other. As he opened his little box, a tiny mosquito flew out, then, with a flash, Nasrudin delivered a determined blow, but the mosquito continued to fly about, obviously still alive.„A very ambitious attempt indeed Nasrudin,“ said the Sultan in a magnanimous, yet clearly disappointed tone, „but I see the mosquito is still alive!“

“When properly performed, circumcision is not supposed to kill, your Majesty!“ replied Nasrudin
 

Following the noon prayers, the imam of the local mosque saw Nasrudin sitting at the local tea-house.
„Hey Mulla, how come I never see you at the mosque any more?“ „Um… er… the thing is…“ mumbled Nasrudin, „there are just too many hypocrites there, it just …uh… bothers me!“ „Don‘t worry Mulla, there is always room for one more!“ replied the imam.
 
 

Nasrudin is sitting outside an Arabian spice shop. He's sitting beside a huge basket of red hot 'dynamite chillies'. Nasrudin's eyes are filled with tears as he takes chillies from the basket and bites into one after another. His friend comes along and sees Nasrudin sweating and crying. "Nasrudin what are you doing. You're crying and sweating. Why are you chewing on those chillies?" Nasrudin answers, "I'm trying to find a sweet one."